Nacho Appropriate
by FelixFelicis-LiquidLuck
Summary: When Sirius (accidentally or not-so-accidentally - it depends on perspectives) kisses James, chaos ensues, including nacho conversations, references to Queen Victoria, all the Gryffindor seventh years, wheezing hags and ridiculously short attention spans. Oh, and Peter is not a kid. Apparently. (This is mostly just crack)


"How much more?" James groaned as yet another pair of jeans was thrown his way. "You've bought more clothes in one day than I have in my whole lifetime!"

"That sounds pretty accurate, actually," Sirius muttered as he held a pair of bright purple skinny jeans up and examined it, before wrinkling his nose and putting it back.

"Why am I even here?" James grumbled and Sirius turned around to pat him on the head like a dog.

"Because you love me," Sirius smiled sweetly. "My sweet, sweet Prongs."

A button-up shirt was added to the pile and soon after, a studded leather jacket. Sirius ignored James's rueful muttering for the most part, but took pity on him when his stomach growled loudly.

"Well, I guess that's the cue for dinner," Sirius grinned and James sagged in relief.

"Thank. GOD."

Sirius laughed. He'd already eaten before they left the dorm but he was never one to turn down food, so the two males headed towards the counter, paying for the numerous clothes at the counter before heading to the Italian place they were so fond of.

"Dinner's on me," Sirius added, and James suddenly looked suspicious.

"Why?"

Sirius shrugged. "For putting up with hours of clothes shopping for me?"

James whooped loudly, drawing a glare from an old woman walking past. Sirius snorted; he didn't think he'd seen James this excited before. The apocalypse must be nearing if James was _more_ excited about food than Sirius BottomlessPit Black.

They sat down at one of the furthest tables, their usual seat whenever they 'graced' Pranzi Italian with their presence. Sirius accidentally knocked the salt over almost immediately, earning an equally aggravated and fondly exasperated look from one of the waiters that recognised them from their regular visits. Sirius grinned sheepishly.

The waiter finally arrived, holding several plates. "Two fig and proscuitto pizzetas, aubergine rolls with spinach and ricotta, gnocchi and two affogato al caffe?" he asked skeptically, as though doubting the two boys had ordered that much food.

He clearly did not know Sirius and James.

"Yep, that's us," Sirius said cheerfully with a rogue wink. James gave him a strange look as Sirius started looking the waiter up and down as he set the food down on the table.

"You new?" Sirius asked, resting his head in his palm as he watched the waiter intensely, eyes glinting. "I would definitely have remembered seeing a pretty face like yours around here. You must have started this week?"

The waiter blushed lightly, avoiding Sirius' gaze as he put the knives, forks and spoons on the table. James snatched his immediately, glaring at the waiter. "Um, yeah. I started yesterday."

Sirius hummed, still watching the waiter as he blushed deeper.

"Ew," James announced when the waiter left to get the other plates. "Just ew."

"What?" Sirius asked defensively, as James pulled a face and glared again as the waiter returned with more plates.

"He's _ugly_ ," James pointed out, looking vaguely disgruntled. Sirius laughed, shrugging it off.

The two boys sat in silence, interrupted only by the sound of James's slurping, as they enjoyed the food they ordered.

"You're a mess," Sirius said teasingly, as he watched a pasta sauce stain smear on the spectacled male's cheek.

James grinned, unashamed, and wiped his face, completely missing the stain.

"Come here," Sirius said, rolling his eyes and trying to hide his smile. James leaned forward and Sirius patted the stain with a napkin. The sudden proximity made him gulp.

His lips looked so soft, like they were made of fucking _velvet_ or something, for god's sake, pink and wet and...

And without a thought, Sirius kissed him.

It was a peck, nothing more, but it was enough to make them both freeze, each as surprised as the other.

Sirius ran.

He sprinted through the crowds like the devil was chasing him with a trident, dagger, gun, spork, plastic knife and every other weapon in existence. He pushed past a woman screaming at her husband, accidentally knocked over a girl and got shouted at by her boyfriend, ran past a group of menacing looking teen girls who had the nerve to glare at him as though _he_ was the one committing the most atrocious fashion sin of all time by wearing _a fluffy pink cardigan._

He stopped, finally, outside a random shoeshop. He leaned on the window, panting.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit," he mumbled, ignoring the scandalous look he received from a stranger for doing so.

He had managed to single-handedly ruin his friendship with one of his closest friends. It was amazing how a relationship that took years to build could be broken in literally a matter of seconds.

He texted Peter.

 _'Pete, I fucked up.'_

 **'u always do,'** was the immediate reply. Sirius pouted at the lack of sympathy .

 _'I kissed James.'_

There was a pause.

' _Pete_?'

 **'yh, u really fucked up.'**

 _'Thanks, you're an amazing friend. If comforting someone was an OWL, you've got one Outstanding in the bag. T_T '_

 **'was he good?'**

 _'PETER PETTIGREW.'_

 **'sry, sry :) how did he react?'**

 _'He just stared. That's not a good sign, right?'_

 **'not rly. :-\'**

 _'Please sugarcoat your words a little.'_

 **'sry no can do. im giving the phone to remus. hes probably better at this than i am.'**

 **'** _Probably? He's definitely a billion times better at comforting someone than you, Pete. Remus actually cares_."

' **Thanks Padfoot. Anyway, I heard the situation and congratulations on managing to fuck everything up.**

 _'It's one of the only things I'm good at. So what do I do?'_

 **'Talking to him about it would be the logical course of action.'**

 _'Do I have to?'_ Sirius replied, dreading James's reaction.

 **'If you want to ever talk to him again, yes. Now leave me alone, I'm watching something.'**

 _'Animal documentary?'_

 **'How did you know? ;)'**

Sirius took a deep breath and wondered if James was still at the restaurant. He was probably still eating, despite the situation.

Going back to the restaurant to get his bags and clothes was definitely a no then.

To the dorm then.

After an awkward taxi ride (Sirius wasn't sure that telling the driver he stank was the most polite thing ever), Sirius found himself outside the dorm.

"Blueberry pie," Sirius pouted at the Fat Lady, who, despite rolling her eyes, looked slightly concerned.

"Whatever you're upset about, you're probably being dramatic about it," she said as the door to the common room swung open. "Just keep that in mind. Don't worry about it too much."

"Thanks," Sirius said, albeit glumly. He was immediately greeted with the sight of a suspicious-looking Remus blocking the view of the common room.

"Um, hey," he smiled quickly. Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Hi," he replied slowly. Remus continued to smile.

"Moony?" Sirius said cautiously, starting to feel alarmed.

Suddenly, Remus yelled, "Sirius's here!"

A large scuffle of what sounded like twenty panicky elephants trying to do cartwheels sounded from the living room.

Sirius, now more wary than ever, nudged Remus aside and looked in the common room.

It looked like all the Gryffindor seventh years were there. Some pretended to be doing something: Marlene was attempting to look as though she was texting on her phone despite it not working in Hogwarts and Peter was 'reading' a chemical engineering magazine that belonged to Remus (he was holding it upside down) and others abandoned all forms of subtlety and stared openly at both Sirius and James (cough Frank cough).

Silence.

A cricket chirped. (No one was quite sure how a cricket got into the room - probably Alice and her weird bug-collecting habits again).

"This is fascinating," Dorcas said, giddy. Lily sent her a 'not-now' look.

"Can I talk to you?" Sirius asked awkwardly.

"Sure," James replied, getting up and not meeting Sirius's eye.

"Shall we eavesdrop?" Peter whispered loudly. Remus snorted.

"Oh my God, when this is over, I'm going to teach you how to whisper," Remus said, ruffling Peter's hair.

Sirius and James ignored the uncomfortably large group behind them and ascended to the top of the stairs.

Where they stood awkwardly.

"I didn't plan this far," Sirius admitted. James snorted.

"I figured," he grinned, but it wasn't his normal cheeky smile.

Another silence, even more awkward than the last.

Sirius took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I kissed you and I guess it was pretty privacy invading and I'm really really sorry and I know you're straight and if you don't want to talk to me ever again for the rest of my life then I will totally understand but I just kinda wanted to let you know that I kinda like you, and well, really like you and if you do decide to not to talk to me ever again I should just let you know that I would most likely fall into a spiral of depression and end up under Remus' bed eating nachos forever and wearing black until I die like Queen Victoria because that's how much you mean to me and-"

James was frowning. "Why under Remus' bed?"

Sirius paused. "Um. I don't know. It seems the most nacho-appropriate place out of the dorm?"

James nodded, but didn't look entirely appeased. "But Remus wouldn't let you eat your nachos in peace, knowing him. He'd lecture you on getting fresh air and not breathing in dusty fumes thingies and doing your _homework_."

"But he also hates nachos a hundred and five percent of the time and wouldn't ask for any," Sirius pointed out.

James's frown disappeared and a small smile spread across his lips. "Logic accepted."

And he leaned up to kiss him.

"I don't get it," they heard Dorcas whine. "Why are they talking about nachos?"

Resolutely ignoring them, Sirius's hands wandered around James's body, one resting at his hip and the other buried in his hair.

 **-Meanwhile, outside-**

"I was expecting something more romantic," Frank grumbled, clearly disappointed.

"Can I get a template on my bedframe saying 'The World's Most Nacho-Appropriate Place'?"

"No."

"Guys, they're using tongue. Things are getting hot in there!"

"Peter, for God's sake! Remus, cover Peter's eyes, this isn't appropriate for kids."

"I'm _not_ a kid, Lily!"

"You have the sexual prowess of one."

"That was unnecessarily mean, Dorcas."

"Oh shut up, you wheezing old hag."

"Excuse me?"

"I wasn't talking to you Lily, I swear. I was talking to the wall. I promise. Why would I call you a wheezing old hag?"

"..."

"Okay, okay, I'm _sorry,_ Lily. Happy?"

"I'm not a kid though!"

"Just go along with it, Pete."

"See! Remmy agrees with me!"

"Please don't call me Remmy."

"But I'm not a kid!

And soon, Sirius and James were forgotten. To be honest, they wouldn't have it any other way.


End file.
